There have been several times when I had to contact customer support due to problems with an order or due to my own negligence.  Either way I did my best to go in with the attitude of being super friendly and with appreciation for their support. I recognized that this was just their job and why did they need to deal with another person's anger and abuse.  At those times when I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere I do ask to speak to a supervisor. This is usually when I know that it was my fault and they needed to follow protocol. But, I was clear about what I expected and am humbled enough to recognize that they would be doing me a solid. 

This was the case with a credit card company that was charging me 25% interest and I did not realize this after a few months that it was in effect.  The first person wasn’t able to help me and I was clear that I wasn’t going to pay the accumulated interest. When I then spoke with the supervisor I started with how helpful their services were in the past and how I would like to continue to work with them but I did need this situation resolved.  I did let her know what I should have done to avoid this issue and told her that I would be more careful next time. She heard me out and gave me a brief lecture about being more careful and responsible and she allowed me to pay off the card without the substantial accumulated interest. I was extremely appreciative and reiterated how supportive the company was.  I didn’t need to get nasty or argue over the phone or yell out demands. We were able to be human and work together.  

I have a friend who takes a different approach, which drives me nuts.  He is often full-out verbally aggressive and sometimes rude, treating it like a challenge to get more.  He often does come out with results, but it does seem to take a long time. I’m left feeling sorry for the poor person on the other end of the line.  I imagine them going home after being abused all day by customers barking at them and taking it out on their significant others or kids.  

I’ve had experience speaking with customers on the phone.  As a behavioral health consultant, part of my job is working with customers in person or on the phone.  These people often call me frustrated that they are not able to get the treatment they want because the service is not a covered benefit.  They are often angry and determined to get what they want. I have to recognize my own defensiveness coming up, and replace it with understanding and empathy.  I first let them know that I heard them and understand the problem by repeating it back to them in my own words. I then present them with different options to try and resolve the problem.  If that doesn’t work and let them know that I will discuss the situation with my director and see if there are any other feasible solutions. Most often there are reasonable solutions. 

Another challenge to kindness is encounters with rude people in your presence.  This is not easy because you usually can’t hide your facial expressions and have little time to think before reacting.  I admit that I’m not a saint, and often feel the need to say something when my ego is engaged. Most times I’m able to put things in a certain context or perspective.  If it’s a rude teenagers playing loud music on the train or being foul-mouthed, I recognize it as a phase in their life. If it’s a drunk person being obnoxious I recognize a person with a problem.  If I see a car weaving through other cars or cutting into traffic I know how it feels to be in a rush or to show off. In these instances I say to myself “how is my saying anything going to help the situation and will I really be heard?”

One time that I let my ego get the best of me, I had to correct myself.  Parking can be very difficult in Brooklyn and when you finally find a spot it’s like gold.  After circling for a while I was finally able to find a spot that was slightly covering someone’s driveway. The homeowner confronted me. While frustrated and tired, I verbally fought with him to give me a break. I was going to stick to my guns.  After some time I decided to move because I didn’t want something to happen to my car. I finally found another spot a block away. As I walked passed the gentleman I apologized for my actions and extended my hand. He was receptive and we had a pleasant conversation.  

One area that I feel the need to jump in is when witnessing any abusive or dangerous situation.  I would do my best to be diplomatic while my adrenaline is pumping. One time I was witnessing someone being abusive towards a store clerk.  My young daughter was with me and I was able to say to the lady “excuse me, my child is present.” That was enough to distract her and she moved on.  The clerk later thanked me and I felt good with my deed.  

When dealing with adversity I do my best to be as kind, diplomatic and patient as I can.  I recognize I get more from being kind and human than when my ego is engaged and I’m being forceful.  There is a lot of satisfaction in being able to connect with others, be respectful and still get what I need.  I think of it as being a good person in a win-win situation.

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My wife and I recently went on vacation in a very small all-inclusive hotel in Mexico.  We both had an excellent time and relaxed a whole bunch. We really enjoyed spending time together but there were times that I just needed to be alone to think, reflect and do certain things for myself.  I was able to allot a few hours during the vacation to smoke a cigar, read and do some writing without anyone around. My wife was also able to do her own thing and we were able to connect again afterwards.

I recently wrote a blog about the importance of taking time to think.  Creating a personal space just for yourself goes along with deep thinking.  Finding your own space away from the chaos of life and responsibilities can allow for creativity, centeredness and overall well being.  You may want to call this your sacred space, place of tranquility, man cave or creative space. I know a gentleman who has a room in his home just for his writing and he spends a set time each day being creative.  For me at home it is my balcony, where unfortunately the pigeons seemed to have claimed it as their place of tranquility as well.

There are times that you’re going to be away on holiday with the wife and children or a work conference and you’re not going to have your usual space.  Even though you may tremendously enjoy spending time with the family or work, it could be beneficial for you to take a walk-about for an hour or two. Being all about the family or business may take its toll and cause frustration or a sense of feeling enclosed after a while.  Much like a cat-nap, you’ll feel more rejuvenated when you have the ability to collect yourself. If you’re with your partner and children you may want to take turns to do this.  

Some people may not agree with this and wonder why someone would want to spend  any time away from the people they love? I get it and encourage them to spend as much quality time with family as needed.  At the same time just remember that you are your own person; someone whom you also need to maintain a relationship with or connect to once in a while.  You have your own dreams, personal plans, desires and talents that need to be developed. You are not merged with anyone and if you think you are, you will lose yourself.  

Some of you may be part of sports teams, attend meetups or other social groups.  I’m also involved in different activities outside of work and family including a men’s group.  It is incredibly beneficial to be connected with others outside of your immediate circle. The main idea I want to stress here is the value of taking time to be with yourself.  Your social networks should not take the place of this space.  

For some this may be an uncomfortable place because the more time you have with yourself the more time you may think of regrets or harp on struggles.  This can be very challenging but it is important for you not to avoid what may come, to pay attention to it and possibly handle it appropriately. It is sometimes easier to deal with the struggles of daily life than to listen to your own voice.  Again, dealing with your negative thoughts by challenging them or seeking help from a therapist is an important step towards self-acceptance and freedom.

So, I encourage you to find your space of tranquility or solace and advocate for it when needed.  When you spend adequate time in this space you can return to the world more relaxed, focused and more ready for challenges ahead.  This may be easier said than done but do your best to try it out.

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Not too many people recognize the link between mental health and medical condition.  Some do not want to acknowledge mental health issues.  As a behavioral health consultant in a health center, I see first-hand how medical conditions such as diabetes and heart disease can affect a person's mental well-being and visa-versa.  I mostly get called into the medical examination room after a person is seen by their cardiologist.  The person often complains about having rapid heart rate, chest pressure or difficulty breathing.  Others have issues with alcohol, smoking, have poor compliance with medications or have difficulty regulating their diabetes, blood pressure or thyroid.  

Sometimes it is hard to determine when physical pains are medical or are a direct result of stress.  When people experience panic attack symptoms they often report tightness in their chest, difficulty breathing, numbness and/or a flood of worry.  They report feeling like they are “having a heart attack!”  Yes, when someone is having a heart attack, aka myocardial infarction (MI), they have similar symptoms including shortness of breath, chest pressures and a feeling of impending doom. Tests, including an EKG or sonogram, are needed in order to rule out medical irregularities like obstructions. When medically clear, people often opt for anxiety medications alone to deal with their overactive amygdala, which is the fight or flight part of the brain, instead of addressing it in therapy.  

When someone has had a heart attack or heart related surgeries, their mental health issues can intensified.  People are often traumatized by these life threatening experiences which can increase their anxiety or stress.  This may occur when they feel any abnormal sensation in their body believing it being another heart attack coming.  This may result in multiple doctor visits or even isolation due to the fear of leaving the home. 

Diabetes mellitus is a deregulation of glucose (sugar) in the blood.  Too much glucose can result in nervousness, anxiety and confusion and too little sugar can result in being sad, irritable and have poor concentration.  On top of the mood swings associated with diabetes, it can also be frustrating having to monitor levels frequently.  Research has indicated that those with type II diabetes are twice as likely to become depressed.  When someone is clinically depressed they may find it harder to motivate themself to monitor their levels, take medication or to keep up with their medical appointments possibly leading to worse mood swings.  This can lead to a vicious cycle of increased illness.  

People who are depressed are more likely to have health related issues.  They have a tendency to self medicate by smoking, using alcohol or other drugs to numb the feelings.  They also go to the doctor less frequently and are less active.  Even though exercising can stimulate the brain to produce the “feel good” chemical in the brain called dopamine, they would rather use nicotine which can produce the same chemical.  It is hard to motivate oneself when depressed, and easier to smoke, even though it is more costly and short-lived. 

An inability to manage stress levels can lead to serious medical issues such as high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes.  Often when people are stressed they may become “stress eaters,” not eat nutritiously or starve themselves.  Stress and anxiety can also lead to poor sleeping habits that can lead to irritability and poor concentration.  That is why it is important to figure out ways to self-soothe and relax.  Not all relaxation techniques work for everyone so there needs to be some time and exploration to find out what works.     

Our physical bodies and mental health are connected and need to be cared for.  When we eat the right foods, stay hydrated and exercise regularly we not only keep the body running but also keep the mind sharp.  Sometimes it is easier said than done, but it is important to figure out ways to stay on track, including involving ourselves in activities we enjoy and also forming healthy daily habits and rituals.  It is also important get checked regularly by the doctor–especially men, who are more likely to avoid going to the doctor.    

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​Showing up can be defined two ways.  One way is physically showing up and the other is more of a way of being like confidently or begrudgingly.  Both of these ways of showing up has been very important to me because I know how disappointed I get when someone says they are going to meet up or do something and then they don’t.  I also know how great it feels to be around those I care about and the importance of maintaining friendships. There are life circumstance when one has to cancel, but it is important to keep in mind the other person may have cleared their schedule and may have been looking forward to it. Maybe I’m too empathetic, but I feel it is important to make sure the calendar is checked and if things happen, which they often do, I do my absolute best to figure out ways to adjust.   By doing so it deepens the relationship with the other person and increases trust.

I was at a holiday party with my work colleagues and at the end of the party my former co-worker was debating whether to visit a friend who invited her to a party that same night in the neighborhood.  The co-worker was tired and not fully feeling like going even though she had not seen this friend in many years. We all encouraged her to just drop by and we ended up supporting her by going to the party with her for about 5-10 minutes.  The host was extremely appreciative and I was able to get another glass of wine and slice of pizza that night. She was also able to maintain the strength of that connection and it only took 5 to 10 minutes.

There are other important ways of showing up, including in ways that face your own fears and mind chatter. I recently read a good blog called “The Power or Showing Up’ by speaker, coach and author Rob Jolles, a contributor to the Huffington Post.  In his blog, he speak about showing up as a way to challenge yourself and face up to your own anxiety. Jolles gives an example of having to go to a swimming competition after just getting over an extensive injury. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to be 100%, his mind was challenging him to not go.  He eventually showed up and was satisfied with himself that he did. Even though he didn’t do so well in the competition, he was able to show up and conquer his mind as well as to support the other competitors.

In “The Single Biggest Thing You Can Do For Your Career: Show Up”  by Hanna Brooks-Olsen, she discusses the Woody Allen quote “Showing up is 80 percent of life.”   Often we do the work but are hesitant to put ourselves out there. When you show up prepared to do the work you are obviously more likely to make an impact on what you are doing and on others.  Brooks-Olson notes, “in the creative sense, showing up doesn’t just mean arriving at a place — it means being prepared to put in the work, regardless of outside factors or obstacles, including your own naysaying mind.”  When you place yourself to the side and sit in doubt and fear- that’s where you will stay.

So the next time a friend contacts you to make plans or there is an event that you’re involved with be prepared to show up.  This is often not an easy task because life and your own mind get in the way. It is important to challenge yourself and make all efforts to make it happen.  It’s not just about your time but it is also about your character, your willingness to challenge yourself, to grow and to strengthen your connection with the people you care about.

I’ve been married for almost 12 years now and can remember that intoxicated feeling of being with her. I would go out of my way to see her, call her often, and naturally do things to impress the hell out of her.  I didn’t give much thought about the responsibilities of being in a long term relationship...everything just FELT right.  Then I bought the ring, proposed, got married, and had two children.  Welcome to reality.  I wouldn’t change any of it for the world but things did change.
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Often in wedding ceremonies there is the symbolic gesture of the couple taking two separately lit candles to light the one candle in the middle; two lives becoming one.  Sure, two people share their lives together but they are still separate people with different backgrounds, personalities, emotional baggage, and needs.  And so the picture and ideas that was created during the dating years are put to the test.

When women drag their significant other into therapy (most times it’s the woman who make the appointment and the man who is dragged in) the complaint is about not being heard, loved, or respected.  On the man’s side the complaint is that “she nags too much”, she gets upset for no reason, or that she doesn’t respect his time and space or appreciate what he contributes.  The conversation around needs turn into a battle for territory and their defenses go up.

There are many good therapeutic techniques for couples available including Harville Hendrix’s Imago therapy, the Gottman method, Gary Chapman’s “Love Languages”, and knowing and establishing relationship boundaries as written by author Henry Cloud in his book, “Boundaries.”  There is also a lot of information on acknowledging the differences between men and women and the ways they communicate differently.  These methods all have one key component- the ability to communicate one's needs to the other.  

Communicating needs is not easy to do because sometimes it is difficult to define one’s own needs let alone someone else’s. Needs could be buried under years of resentment ( i.e. “he should know what my needs are!”), repressed after being shut down so many times, or mixed in with self-esteem issues (being undeserving).  It seems that men have more difficulty identifying and expressing their needs.  Men are often brought up to be self-reliant and think that they “do not need anything.”  They sometimes try to fulfill their needs outside the relationship with either work, drugs, or other women.  When your needs are not being met you’re less likely to want to respond to the other’s needs.

Some basic needs identified by Marshall Rosenberg in his book “Non-Violent Communication” include the need for autonomy, integrity, acceptance and physical nurturance.  Similarly Gary Chapman identifies five “Love Languages” which include receiving gifts, quality time, words of love and affirmation, acts of service and physical touch.  These authors work with couples to clearly hear each other’s needs and to practice the art of giving to one another.  Usually it is just one main need the person is looking to fulfill and only one person is needed to initiate this process.  

In therapy, once a couple gets past the arguing and engaging their egos, they could eventually recognize that the fighting is just a symptom of un-acknowledged needs and the past being played out.  The sessions becomes a competition of who can talk the loudest or what fires to put out.  It is important for the couple to hear each other and to be able to express themselves clearly and without judgment.  Once a judgment is made, defensiveness comes out and listening ceases.  I often tell my couples to use ‘I’ statements and to avoid using the finger pointing ‘You.’  It is also important to speak about how one felt about a situation as opposed to making a list of what the other person did.  When engaging in this process it is important not to flood the other person with requests.  I know for me I need small doses at a time to be able to digest.

Boundaries are also imperative for a successful long term relationship.  Boundaries are one’s personal space including body, personal property (i.e. diary or phone), personal conversations, friends, family and interests.  As mentioned earlier, we are still those individual candles in a relationship.   If someone gets too enmeshed in the other’s space there will be a sense of crowding and a need to pull away to get back their individuality.  My own boundaries include my different accounts (i.e. e-mail, personal banking, phone and social media) and my work. 
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So communicating needs is important as well as respecting difference and honoring boundaries.  As in Imago therapy, couples need to find some time to relax and take turns expressing how they are feeling and what their needs are. A time limit may need to be set for each couple to express feelings and needs to avoid flooding and to make sure there is a turn for both people.  The next part is to request feedback from the other person to make sure the message was received.  Sometimes words are heard differently as we all process things differently.  Finally, a couple needs to come up with solutions or compromises.  Sometimes there are no solutions, so disagreements may need to be accepted or individual actions need to be taken. Being in a relationship can be hard work and it takes patience, tenderness, and dedication to maintain and possibly thrive.   If both people are committed to the relationship- anything is possible.

Most of us we have our inner emotional wounds. These inflictions often shape who we are and how we are with others. The arrow I had inside me while growing up was the absence of my father who I’m sure had his own wounds. He left when I was around 9 years old. Growing up I had my two older brothers whom I looked up to and who looked after me. They would sometimes include me when they were with their friends until I found my own social circle. They were very influential in the music I listened to, sports I played and later on, they taught me how to shave. When they went off to do their own things I found myself seeking father figures to enhance my own identity as a man. I do have to add that my mother, an incredibly strong woman, was a great source of strength and comfort during these times.

My father’s absence didn’t fully hit me until my late teenage years. I found myself getting angry about him not reaching out or caring about what was going on with me or what I was up to. I would write letters to him without responses and with each letter I would get angrier and angrier. It wasn’t until after undergraduate school that I got a congratulatory card from him with money saying “have a drink on me.” A year or so later we received another letter from his wife saying he had throat cancer. During that time I would have very awkward small talk with him on the phone and when I was able to visit him it was too late.

There are many stories I’ve come up with of why my father did what he did so I could rationalize it in my adult mind. Living through it as a child though is a different story and the scars remain.

In my full-time employment and private practice as a psychotherapist, I work with a lot of men who are dealing with anger issues and/or addictions (substance and behavioral). Some men have been able to identify themselves as depressed and others report being angry, frustrated or are self-medicating themselves.

In a book on men and depression by Terrance Real called “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” Real goes deep into how men often mask their pain and depression. He distinguishes between two types of depression; overt depression (an outward display of depression) and covert depression (depression kept within and hidden). The masking is often presented by being a workaholic, a substance abuser, having frequent displays of anger, being overly-confident and/or over competitiveness.

Often this depression is triggered by past trauma either from severe disciplining or emotional neglect or other traumatic events. Some boys quickly learn to shelter their feelings and emotions in order present as more tough. Boys are often encouraged to toughen up or get over it quickly because if they become too emotional they would be targets of ridicule or bullying. These young men learn to develop ways to cope and harden up by holding the sadness inside. When these young men get into their adult lives the pain often bubbles up to the surface in fits of rage, anxiety attacks or being abusive toward those perceived weaker. Many times the traumatic events become hidden from the conscious brain but the body remembers.

So what are men to do in order to deal with this pain deep within? Well, the first major step is to acknowledge that something is going on. Most people seek help when they are deep in a crisis such as a failing marriage or they are paralyzed with deep depression or anxiety, or when their drinking has gotten out of control. A powerful quote from Terrance Real gives a good description of the process that needs to occur in order to dig out of the deep wounds. “First, the covertly depressed man must walk through the fire from which he has run. He must allow the pain to surface. Then, he may resolve his hidden depression by learning about self-care and healthy esteem.” He goes on to define healthy esteem as “...the capacity to cherish oneself in the face of one’s own imperfections, not because of what one has or what one can do.”

Growing up without a father led me to do my own exploration of what it is to be a man. I have been part of men’s group for almost 15 years and I work with several men in my therapy practice. For me the wounds did not go away but I have been able to understand them and put them in perspective. I believe that once a man engages in the process of healing his wounds he may find that the wounds become a source of strength and an identity.