Taking responsibility for our part in relationships

In my therapy practice I often work with men and women who act out their emotions in ways that are destructive.  They wonder why they are not connecting with their partner when they are “just telling the truth” or when they know that they are ‘right’.  This is a sign of operating from one’s ego.  Being relational starts with us taking responsibility for how we respond to adversity or conflict and our willingness to join or connect with our partner.  Keeping one’s ego and competitive nature in check can lead to a more mature and fulfilling relationship. A famous quote that relates to this is, “you can either be right or you can be married…”

We are responsible for our own feelings, emotions and well being.  We need to become aware of  our contribution to the relationship, both positively and negatively. Part of being responsible for our emotions is knowing our own boundaries. I often help clients understand that when they are struggling in their relationships, there is an indication that boundaries are not set in place

Boundaries are where we begin and end- from our inner core to our skin. Having good boundaries helps us recognize that we cannot control or change others.  We can only influence others' behavior  to change. This means that we have to be the agent of change. Boundaries also go the other way- that others do not have control over our behavior.  Relationally, it helps if we can start to allow our partner to have that positive influence upon us by taking in and appreciating their love and kind gestures.  We are the ones reacting or avoiding.  

Managing and taking ownership of our emotions is a way for us to take more responsibility towards creating a better understanding of ourselves and how we relate to others.  It also allows us to not fall into a victim mentality. We are often triggered by our partner.  Sometimes they'll do or say something that will hit a nerve, remind us of past events or even our childhood.  We may also feel that the relationship is not equitable or fair or we may feel taken for granted or taken advantage of.   We may even believe that our partner is a narcissist.  However we feel, It is still on us to communicate our concerns or feelings in a way that is free from blame and shame and that is respectful.  We need to remind ourselves when our partner is emotional that it may not be about us but more about them expressing their own emotional needs.   When we feel ourselves being triggered emotionally we have to tell ourselves "this reaction is mine to manage." 

There are times when our partner does intentionally hurt us and at those times we do have to advocate for ourselves.  This is when we do our best to express how we feel and figure out what we need to do for ourselves.  We may not be able to engage verbally with our partner and we may need to separate ourselves until the situation settles down.  Once in a safe space it is important to practice self care. This can include taking deep breaths, taking a walk or listening to calming music.  We need to be careful of being retaliatory, destructive or even demanding.  This can be difficult because when emotions are strong, our ability to think rationally and relationally can be compromised

What are some ways to manage emotions? Sometimes taking a few deep breaths can do it, but other times we need space to collect ourselves when triggered. One method I've learned from Terry Real is requesting a ‘time out’ for ourselves (not that our partner needs one).  We may need to lay down, take a nap, place water on our face, take more deep breaths, write our feelings down to organize our thoughts or scream into a pillow. 

When we are able to get to a point of rational and relational thinking, we can ask ourselves the following questions:   Did they really mean to hurt me?  What about this triggers me? How do I respond in a way that doesn't further hurt the relationship? How can I best ask for what I need? Where do I have room to negotiate when there is an impasse? Is there anything I need to take responsibility for in regards to my piece on this issue-is my ego in check?  It is important to think about how we need to BE in order to have a productive discussion.   
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Relationships can be difficult, but have the potential to be rewarding and fulfilling and can lead to personal growth and maturation.  Our partner can be, and often they are, a vehicle for us to address our most deep rooted issues from our past and to potentially heal them.  This is why it is important to navigate difficult conversations with care and consideration and be cognizant of our partner's needs as well.